Freudian Slip
by Rubadub
Summary: Hinata just wanted to go back in time to save Naruto, but she didn't expect sentient breasts to be part of the deal. This is all Kushina's fault, so don't be a boob about it.
1. Thanks for the Mammaries

Disclaimer for entire fic: The closest thing I own to Naruto is a pack of fishcakes in the freezer. Nothing else is mine.

**Freudian Slip**

**Chapter 1: Thanks for the Mammaries**

* * *

><p>Hinata really should be more upset.<p>

She looked around the battlefield in a daze. Everyone she loved was dead, scattered across the leveled ground. They looked like they were sleeping, laying on little beds of dark red dirt. If she squinted, she could see the bright yellow of Naruto's hair. It didn't hurt anymore to see him. Earlier she'd been choking on her frantic tears, desperate to save him from Pein. She'd managed to delay that man for a few minutes, but was then swatted aside and pinned to the ground like a bug. Then she watched in helpless horror as the Akatsuki leader proceeded to extract the Kyuubi and then raze her village to the ground.

Tall columns of smoke obscured what little remained of Konoha, framing a gray horizon. The distant patter of raindrops striking the ground startled her. She hadn't felt anything. Hinata held up her hands, watching in fascination as the rain passed through them.

Oh.

She was dead, too.

"Then why am I still here?"

She did not expect to have her question answered.

"Because you have unfinished business." If her heart was still beating, it would have stopped right then.

"W-who's there?" She scanned the grounds again. Someone was struggling by where Naruto's shell lay. It was a red-haired woman who glowed from the sheer amount of red chakra dancing across her skin. She looked like she was...clawing her way out of his stomach? She was sure pregnancy didn't work that way. Hinata walked/floated to the red-haired woman, who was still stuck half-way out of his torso and cursing up storm. Her long hair whipped around her like the tails of the Kyuubi. "Um...do you need help?"

"Hell yes. Do you think being trapped inside your dead son is enjoyable?" the redhead snapped. Hinata blinked.

"You're Naruto-kun's mom?" She bowed respectfully. "Pleased to meet you."

"Name's Uzumaki Kushina, but this is the worst possible time for introductions right now. Cut that shit and help me out already."

"Ah, sorry." Hinata tried to grab Kushina's hands, but she passed through her. "Sorry...I can't touch you."

"Figured. Give me a second." She grunted and pushed herself every harder. With an audible pop, the redhead slipped free and fell through Hinata's transparent body.

"Thanks for trying, girly." Kushina untangled her limbs from her long hair and stood, dusting herself off. She was wearing a black shift dress over a neon orange shirt. "Anyways, as I was saying, you have some unfinished business." Her words trigger something inside her.

Hinata responded by bursting into phantom tears. Apparently she was still upset over the destruction of everything she'd cared for.

"Hey hey hey, what the hell are you doing? Why are you crying?" Kushina tried to pat Hinata's shoulder comfortingly, but her hands kept passing through them.

"I...I c-couldn't protect Naruto-kun!" Hinata sobbed. "He's dead!"

"Well, yeah," Kushina said bluntly. "He had his soul ripped out." Hinata wailed even louder, reaching the destructive decibels that could shatter glass. The redhead covered her ears with a wince.

"Stop that! Stop crying!" Hinata ignored her and continued adding to the growing pool of ecoplasmic tears underneath her floating feet. Kushina couldn't slap the hysterical ghost so she did the next best thing.

"Maito Gai is my secret baby-daddy!"

Hinata stopped. She shivered so hard some of her particles disintegrated and her outline blurred.

"Please don't joke about such horrors, Kushina-san," she whispered. Kushina gave her the stink eye.

"Are you ready to listen now?" Hinata nodded mutely. "Good. As you pointed out rather...erm, loudly you couldn't protect Naruto. Therefore, you have a lot of guilt still tying you to this world."

"Am I the only one left?" Hinata asked in a watery voice. Kushina nodded.

"Afraid so. Everyone else tried their best - not that you didn't," Kushina added quickly when Hinata began to tear up again, "- and were able to move on to the afterlife, but you have an unusually strong guilt-complex in this particular case. In other words, you love my son too much to accept his death." Kushina gave Hinata fond smile before continuing. "I already know that you are willing to die for him."

"Of course. I vow that I would do anything for him!" Hinata said. Kushina looked pleased.

"Good. I'm holding you to that. What I'm offering you is a second chance, girly. Pein only took the Kyuubi's soul, since all that chakra had already fused with me. It's way more than enough to send you back in time to fix a few things so Naruto doesn't croak only a few minutes after becoming a toad-sage." Hinata's eyes lit up. She always knew Naruto had a difficult life, but had only recently discovered the full scope of it. If she could go back with prior knowledge, she was sure to save him from loneliness and win his heart!

Kushina shook her head and clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

"Don't even think about that. You're not in some fucked up romance novel where you go back to take care of him and kiss his boo-boos," she scolded as she put her hands on her hips. "I'm sending you back as your fifteen-year-old self, so any romance would make you a dirty, pervy pedophile. And yes, I've seen that perverted look on your face whenever Naruto says something remotely suggestive. I'm watching you." Kushina's eyes flashed suspiciously "I like you, but I'm not letting my son be a victim of statutory rape." Hinata's heart sank.

"How far back are you sending me? And what am I going to be doing if I'm not taking care of Naruto-kun?"

"To when you were kidnapped. That's the best chance to slip into the time stream and switch with yourself. There are a few rules to time-travel, but the main gist of all of them is that there are roles that must be filled. Contrary to popular belief, no event is set in stone for specific person, but the parts that play out those events must exist. Get what I'm saying?"

"So I'm doing the deeds of some one else." Kushina nodded proudly, flashing a grin that left Hinata no doubt that she was Naruto's mother.

"Yup! My baby's strong, and he actually had a chance in defeating all his enemies. However, he wasted too many years chasing after the Uchiha brat when he should have been training." Hinata's expression darkened at the mention of Sasuke. He was the bastard that caused Naruto pain, and he would pay for that. Kushina continued, though she noted the Hyuuga's frightening expression. "Cool the plans for vengeance. I'm sending you back to keep Uchiha Sasuke from becoming a mindfucked revenge drone so he won't defect and distract my son."

"How?" Hinata was starting to regret her reckless vow.

"How else? You're going to massacre the Uchiha clan."

"Ha. Ha. Ha." Hinata laughed hollowly at the bad joke. "So how am I really going to save Naruto-kun?" Kushina looked at her with a frown.

"I'm not kidding. You're going to take Uchiha Itachi's place in the massacre so he won't have to leave the village or traumatize Sasuke."

"So he won't have to?" Hinata echoed. "I thought he killed them to test his potential."

"Incorrect. He was ordered to by the council."

"Ordered?" Hinata parroted faintly. Kushina rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes, biggest conspiracy of the century. Yondaime is Naruto's father, I was the previous Jinchuuriki, Orochimaru likes little boys, and Danzo's a peeping tom in more ways than one and ordered Itachi to commit whole-clan-except-little-brother-cide. Any other big damn secrets I'm missing?" Hinata shook her head with wide eyes as Kushina continued. "It's all old news to me. Just trust that it is. The fact is, you will need to take Itachi's blame. But that means you also have to fulfill the conditions of going missing-nin, joining the Akatsuki and such for that role." She stopped to look at Hinata, who had managed to turn even paler. "Don't worry, Hinata-chan. I'll be helping you out. You have another three or four years after the jump to train and plan."

Hinata managed only a squeak of protest as she shook her head. There was no way she had the skills to do what Itachi did, regardless of whether he was driven by evil or good. She'd be dead three minutes in of being declared a missing-nin. Kushina's offer of help did not make her feel any better.

"You're not thinking of backing out, do you?" Kushina said darkly. "You already vowed, so I own your soul until you fulfill our agreement."

"W-who are you?" Kushina smiled in way that showed too many sharp teeth.

"I really am Naruto's mother. But if you're asking, my clan descended from demons, which is why I'm able to offer you this deal at all."

She'd made a deal with a demon.

Said demon just happened to be Naruto's mom.

* * *

><p>The Cloud ninja crowed to himself as he leaped along the roof. Capturing the heir to the famous Hyuuga clan had been too easy. He really couldn't believe that the weak little girl unconscious under his arm was key to one of the most desired bloodlines in the world - the Byakugan. But it was what his superior wanted, and he couldn't wait for his promotion after this.<p>

The ninja jumped high to clear the last barrier between him and freedom, only to stumble when the tiny bundle he held suddenly become very, very heavy.

And soft.

Why was he also holding a naked and extremely buxom woman? In fact that was most luscious pair of -

Before the nin could control himself, the twin jet streams of blood from his nostrils propelled him back to the ground with a mighty crash. The impact, and blood loss, rendered him unconscious.

Hinata picked herself up from the rubble dizzily. She stumbled and fell to the ground. What happened? One moment, she'd been staring at Kushina in horror and then the next she was...feeling rather drafty. She looked down at herself and screamed.

"Why are my boobs so huge!" The nudity was easily fixed by taking her captors clothes, but she couldn't even stand up without severe back pain.

"Hush, you're only going attract every ninja in the area!"

Hinata screamed again.

"My boobs just spoke to meeeee!" What kind of nightmarish world is this?

"No, not your boobs, stupid. Get a hold of yourself and pipe down before you ruin the entire plan." She forced herself to calm down, even though it was hard to breath with the monstrous weight on her chest. The voice coming from her breasts sounded a lot of Kushina.

"Kushina-san...why are you possessing my boobs?" she asked. She managed a half-shuffle to the Cloud nin and took his clothes. It hurt a lot less move after she bound her chest.

"Where else would you carry all my chakra on such short notice? Your coils aren't big enough and fat is the next most efficient storage system for energy," Kushina sniffed. "Don't think that I'm a willing party in this. It was either this or your ass, and I am not going to be the butt of that kind of joke. Anyways, I'll fix the proportions of chakra later. There are people coming. This is your chance to integrate yourself into the village."

"But what about my original body?" Hinata dug through the rubble until she found the tiny form of her younger self.

"There can't be two "Hyuuga Hinata"s in the same world," Kushina said softly. Hinata nodded, not understanding why she was crying over herself. She didn't even like her younger, cowardly self. And she was still here, wasn't she? She caressed her younger self's bangs with a gentle hand and wiped away her tears. Only now, could she begin to sense the chakra of several approaching nin. Kushina's senses were much sharper than hers.

"So who am I? I can't be Hyuuga Hinata."

"Why not? I just said that there can't be two of them. The kid over there had your role as heir to Hyuuga, but her name is -

"Hikaru!"

Hiashi dropped to the ground with a snarl. Several branch Hyuuga flanked him.

"Where is Hyuuga Hikaru?"

Hinata suppressed a squeak when she tried to bow and toppled forward, still unused to the added weight up top.

"Hiashi-sama, Hizashi-sama," Kushina greeted in a surprisingly accurate imitation Hinata's voice. Hinata's head was bowed, so the Hyuuga wouldn't notice that it wasn't her speaking but rather her breasts. There was no way she could explain that one. "I am unworthy. I managed to incapacitate the kidnapper, but I was too late." She kept her gaze on the ground. She heard Hiashi send several Hyuuga over to the rubble. They dragged the Kumo-nin's body to the leader's feet. Another followed, respectfully carrying Hyuuga Hikaru's body.

Hinata peeked up at her father's face. His expression was twisted in grief. She wondered if Hiashi even loved her like that, or was this another change to the timeline.

"Thank you..." Hiashi said distractedly, eyes still on his daughter's corpse.

"Hinata," she filled in for him. He nodded absently.

"Clean up here. I'm going back." Hiashi left with half the Hyuuga, while Hizashi remained behind to oversee the distasteful cover-up. Her uncle looked down at Hinata, who was still crouched on the ground.

"While you are commended for taking down this scum, I must ask why you are wearing the Cloud uniform yourself."

"Um...well, you see..." Hinata blushed a deep shade of red. She averted her eyes. Hizashi's pale eyes narrowed in suspicion as he started to form the seal to activate his Byakugan. "I lost my clothes in battle. And I didn't want to shame my clan with public indecency." She pushed herself up so she was kneeling upright. Even in the dark, she could see Hizashi turn bright red.

"Ah...I see you have the Hyuuga eyes...and clearly those are not your clothes," he muttered as he averted his eyes. That was putting it nicely. Hinata's new enhancements were straining the seams of the borrowed shirt to its limits. It was a testament to the mental fortitude of her uncle that only a small trickle of blood escaped from his nose. "I will finish up here. Report back to the estates and ...please change."

Hinata ran as fast as she could without throwing herself off balance. Which was not very fast at all. Even in the dead of the night, her enormous assets seemed to generate their own field of gravity and draw in every pervert in the village.

This was not what she expected when she agreed to save Naruto.

Not at all.


	2. A New Bosom Buddy

**Freudian Slip**

**Chapter 2: A New Bosom Buddy**

Rather than running back to the estates, Hinata headed for a secluded training ground. It was the middle of the night, so it wasn't overly hard to find an empty one.

"You're fixing this right now," she said determinedly to her bust. "I can't even stand upright."

"Alright, alright, keep your bra on," Kushina groused. "Give me a moment to properly integrate my chakra into your system."

A red pulse of chakra from her heart knocked her off her feet. She winced as it spread, enveloping her body with what felt like fire. Hinata bit back a scream when it sunk into her skin, leaving her feeling like she'd just been shoved through a meatgrinder.

"Done!" Kushina chirped. "I'm good, aren't I?" Hinata sat up with grimace.

"They're still too big!"

"Shut it, girly! That's as small they'll go!" Kushina snapped. "I'm not Kami. I can't magically make chakra stores out of nothing. I just shifted as much as I could to the rest of your body." Hinata sighed. At least she wasn't so severely off balance that walking was difficult. She made her way back to the Hyuuga estates and snuck in one of the empty singles kept on the edge of the Hyuuga lands. It was small but there was private bathroom. Hinata felt far more refreshed after she rid herself of the dirt of the battles that destroyed Konoha and changed into the loose yukata she'd found in the closet. She'll have to track down normal clothes later, but the events of the past 24 hours had drained her. Kushina was already snoring away.

Hinata tried not to think too hard about the fact that she didn't have corporeal sinuses.

The next morning, Hinata woke in time to report to breakfast. Most of the clan had already eaten and left, but there was still a good amount of food left on the table. She was starving and packed her bowl high with rice. Just as she sat down to appease her growling stomach, a branch family member knelt by her to gain her attention.

"Hinata-san? Hiashi-sama wants to speak with you in the council room," she said. Hinata forgot about her hunger and followed the messenger nervously. The Hyuuga clan was large enough that no one knew everyone else, except for the leaders. But her story wouldn't hold up under careful perusal. Had they discovered her already?

"Doubt it. You did manage to subdue the kidnapper of the heir," Kushina whispered reassuringly. But it was my presence who actually killed her, though Hinata sadly. "They probably just want to reward you."

"Who are you talking to?" the branch Hyuuga turned back to look at her with questioning eyes.

"Ah, sorry!" Hinata said quickly. "I was just asking if I was in trouble." The branch Hyuuga smiled slightly, but shook her head in ignorance. She pointed to Hinata to a door down the hall. "Hizashi-sama did not sound worried when he passed me the summons, so I'm sure it's nothing too terrible."

The council meeting room was filled with elders, and they all turned to look at her sternly as she walked into the room and bowed. Hiashi was seated at the forefront of the group, and he waved for her sit in the lone chair facing the council. Fortunately, her pale yukata was no different from the normal daily wear of the many Hyuuga, so Hinata wasn't accidentally insulting such an esteemed group.

"Hyuuga Hinata, you have done Hyuuga justice." Hiashi looked tired, but there was no trace of a sneer on his face. Hinata kept her head down, fighting back tears. For how long had she yearned for such words? "You brought down Hyuuga Hikaru's murderer. Even though you never went to the Academy, you were able to bring down an ANBU level enemy."

"ANBU?" Hinata blurted out in surprise. Hiashi gave her a strange look. What kind of genius was this girl? She had unknowingly taken down such a formidable opponent without any formal training. No wonder the council pushed this topic so hard when they should be more worried about the late Hyuuga Hikaru's funeral.

"I could not find your name on the list of Hyuuga nin from the Branch family," he explained. Hinata didn't try to correct his assumption. Her forehead was concealed by her bangs, so she would need to draw on the seal later just in case. It was better that way, as people paid less attention to the Branch family members.

Hiashi narrowed his at the guilty expression on Hinata's face. Clearly, the girl had been studying on her own when she hadn't been allowed to enroll in the Academy. If every Hyuuga joined the shinobi ranks, they wouldn't have enough people to keep the Hyuuga estates running smoothly to support their best ninja.

"However, we are willing to overlook your gross disregard of our original orders in regards to your schooling. The council and I have discussed your performance yesterday night, and have agreed to allow you to take the genin exam at the Academy today. If you can pass, you are allowed to serve your clan and our village as a kunoichi." Hinata was still in shock over how approvingly everyone in the room was looking at her, so Kushina replied for her.

"Thank you, Hiashi-sama." He nodded.

"You may go." Hinata bowed and exited.

"That solves a few problems," she said quietly when she'd reached the shelter of her current room. "I was worried they're realize I don't actually exist here."

"I wasn't!" Kushina bragged. "Girly, no major clan is going to look too hard at a supposed genius like you. The most they'll probably do is run a secret blood test to make sure you're Hyuuga."

"I'm Hyuuga, but I'm not a genius." She clipped her bangs back and pulled out a permanent green marker she'd filched on the way back to the room. She went to the bathroom and began to shakily draw the Caged-Bird seal.

"You don't have to really be one. Just genius enough that it's actually plausible that you killing the Uchiha clan. And do you doubt my ability? Are you not sitting right here in the past?" Hinata's hand slipped, leaving a long green mark across her temple. She quickly wiped off with an alcohol pad before it soaked in and started again.

"Of course not, Kushina-san." The x-mark was lopsided. She reached for another alcohol pad, only to jump back with a squeak when a red chakra chain burst out of her chest and snatched the marker.

"Give me that! You're terrible at this." Kushina deftly finished the false seal and dropped the marker back into Hinata's hands. It was lopsided, but no one was going to look too closely. "I told you, I'm helping you out." The chakra chain twisted to form a wagging finger before withdrawing back into her chest. "Right now, all you need to do is own the Academy test with your genius. Easy peasy." Hinata shook her head but there was no point arguing further. Of course she didn't need to worry about genin exam. She was already a high-level chuunin.

As she expected, Hinata aced the exam and received her Konoha forehead protector. Later, in a more private testing back in the Hyuuga estates, Hinata even demonstrated a flawed but impressive knowledge of the Gentle Fist. The Hyuuga elders looked at each other in anticipation. While she was far older than the genius Uchiha Itachi when he aced his genin exam, she was showing the potential to become his equal.

"How am we going to be able to keep this up?" Hinata bemoaned in her room that night. At her request, the Hyuuga had happily allowed her to keep her single once she'd made the excuse that she'd wanted to be close the training grounds. They hadn't thought more on why the genius would want a drafty, cheap little room when they'd offered her one just down the hall from the Hyuuga head family. It was because she didn't want anyone to accidentally listen in on her conversations with Kushina. "I'm already fighting at half my ability. How in the world am I going keep 'improving' at this rate? It's be suspicious if I suddenly stop improving, but they're already trying to teach me the Heavenly Spin!"

"You just can't trust me, can you?" Kushina sighed. "Fine. Take us to a training ground." When Hinata didn't immediately jump, a large claw of crimson chakra formed out of her chest and yanked her to her feet by her collar. "Girly, I'm done with your sniveling. I'm going to show you just how just how awesome I am, believe it!"

Left without much of a choice, Hinata pulled on a thick jacket with high collar that concealed her mouth. Given how often Kushina interjected, it would be too easy for someone to catch her "speaking" without her lips moving. Other than also wearing her forehead protector over her false seal, Hinata didn't need to make any further changes to her appearance. She slipped out of the Hyuuga compound and made her way to one of the empty training grounds.

"See that training post over there?" Hinata jumped when it suddenly toppled over in several pieces. Red threads of Kushina's chakra glinted in the moonlight as they slowly withdrew back into her chest.

"I didn't even see the threads move," she said wonderingly. "What's the range of the chakra threads?"

"Dunno," Kushina said. A strand of chakra whipped out, leaving a thin slash on the trunk of the tree fifty feet away. "That's as far as I can go, but I can only do one strand like that. I can do a lot more when close to our body." Hinata looked down and rubbed the area where the chakra had come from.

"My skin isn't reacting to your chakra."

"Coarse not. I'm an entity of pure chakra and now essentially a part of you."

"Then can I control this chakra?" She lifted a hand, willing a strand to twirl in the air like a ribbon. It was quite difficult and she was sweating within minutes. Hinata dropped her control of the chakra with a slight frown. "If I can't control these chakra strands, it's really not going to help me."

"You probably will with practice. I imagine our relationship is similar to what Gaara has with his sand. You can control it some, and I'll take care of the rest. Our minds aren't directly connected, but I get a general idea of your intentions. It's a good thing. I have really sharp senses so even if you can't see or hear the enemy, I can. Like, right now." A chakra whip snapped out at the bushes some twenty feet away from them and dragged out a struggling boy by his ankle.

"Uchiha Itachi?" He couldn't have been more than ten-years-old.

The tiny Uchiha stopped struggling as Kushina pulled him the remainder of the way to Hinata's feet. He stood up and brushed himself off, warily eyeing the vine of chakra until it withdrew. He barely cleared Hinata's shoulder.

"You know me." He had such a little serious face that Hinata just wanted to give him a hug. It was hard to imagine that this was the ninja who would go on to slaughter almost his entire clan. "I don't know you."

"I'm Hyuuga Hinata." He bowed politely.

"Nice to meet you-mmph!" Itachi was suddenly pulled to Hinata's chest by several chakra strands. Hinata's hand automatically came up to his shoulders.

"You are too cuteeee!" Kushina squealed. The poor Uchiha scrambled out of her grip, staring at her an almost terrified expression. His Sharingan flickered into his eyes.

"Ah, sorry," Hinata whispered, tapping her index fingers together. She could feel her face burning as she tried to cover for Kushina. "You were so cute...I guess I couldn't help myself to hugging you."

Itachi composed himself and readjusted his mussed ponytail. While his expression was blank again, she could tell that he was still uncomfortable since his Sharingan was still active.

"Please refrain from ever doing that again," he said flatly. "Have a good night, Hyuuga-san." He transported himself out of the training ground before he could be molested again.

"Sorry," Kushina said unrepentantly when they both made sure he was out of range. "He was so serious that I wanted to cheer him up."

"That's not how you cheer up kids," Hinata ground out. "You're the one who accused me to being a pedophile."

"Pft, like you wouldn't have sought Naruto out if you've had the time today. And it's not my boobs smooshed in Itachi-chan's face." The violet-haired girl winced.

"That's just wrong no matter how you put it. And we can get in a lot of trouble."

"You mean _you_ can get into a lot of trouble. I already died. What are they going to do to punish me? Put nipple clamps on you and hope I feel it?"

Hinata twitched.

"Nonetheless, Kushina-san," she said with a strained smile that kept twitching with her eye. "Please do you best to help me. If I am incapacitated, I won't be able to save Naruto-kun. Have you already forgotten our goal?"

"Don't worry." Naruto's mom sounded like she was grinning mischievously. "My primary goal is to save Naruto. But I've been stuck in a cage with the Kyuubi for 15 years, and he's a real sourpuss. What's wrong with having a little fun?"

Somehow, Hinata was scared to ask what her definition of "a little fun" entailed.


	3. Double Trouble

**Freudian Slip**

**Chapter 3: Double Trouble**

Hinata was training in the Hyuuga dojo when Hizashi found her. He waited politely for her to finish her kata before waving her trainer, another Branch family member, away.

"Hizashi-sama," she greeted with a bow. He smiled slightly.

"You've already improved remarkably these past few days." If he was still uncomfortable after the eyeful she'd accidentally given him before, he didn't show it. After that incident, she'c made sure her jacket disguised just how uncomfortably large her breasts were.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. She kept her gaze down respectfully. While Hizashi was of the Branch family, he was still the head's brother. She could feel him peruse her carefully.

"I find it hard to believe that I've never noticed such talent as yours," he said after several moments. Hinata felt her blood run cold. "Look at me, Hyuuga Hinata." She met his eyes, fighting the urge to run away.

"You are indeed a Hyuuga," he said with approval. "I must apologize. Perhaps if I had noticed your abilities and pushed for your enrollment into the Academy harder, you would be already great. Even now, the council is pulling strings so you would not be hindered by a genin team and focus matching and surpassing your peers." Hinata blinked in surprise. She had not expected them to accept her so readily. Maybe she really could pull off this genius thing. Hizashi patted her shoulder.

"I'm proud of you. I've waited so long for someone to prove that Branch family can be a strong support for the Main family line. I hope my son Neji can be like you and show the same kind of promise." Hinata let herself break into a wide grin, even if his words were unfounded. Hizashi stepped aside to reveal a five-year-old Neji. "He wanted to meet you."

"Hinata-san," Neji said with an open smile. "Let's spar!"

Hinata laughed and patted him on the head. "I'm afraid you would defeat me in an instant. My Gentle Fist is no where up to par. Maybe next time." Neji pouted cutely, but a stern look from his father discouraged any whining.

"I'm glad that Neji's father didn't have to die this time," she confessed to Kushina later. "I heard that since Hyuuga Hikaru also died in the enounter, Cloud doesn't have grounds to request a sacrifice."

"More like they're too embarrassed to point fingers when someone ranked at the Academy level managed to take down their head ninja," Kushina said with a great deal of self-satisfation. "Feels nice being placed on a pedestal here, doesn't it?" Hinata got the feeling that the woman was testing her, and shook her head honestly.

"It's nerve-wracking. I have to keep improving like this. I'll need your help more and more in the future."

"That's what I'm here for."

Contrary to Hinata's worries, she continued to impress her Hyuuga tutors with her rapid improvement. So much that she didn't manage any time away from the grueling training schedule under days later when Kushina snapped and told them that she was taking a day off whether they liked it or not. It was sign just how much she impressed them that she was not scolded for Kushina's rude words. If it had been in the original timeline, she would have been punished harshly. No wonder the actual geniuses she knew were always so haughty - people were so in awe of them that they let them get away with it.

"Less thinking, more ramen. Naruto loves the spicy seafood ones," Kushina suggested eagerly. They'd agreed that while it was wise not to let Naruto form an attachment to Hinata, there was nothing wrong with leaving copious gifts for him. Hinata glanced at her shopping cart, which was already filled with three enormous boxes of ramen, and shook her head. Instead she headed for the produce aisle of the supermarket.

"As much as I admire Naruto-kun," Hinata said softly as she bagged several squash, "I'm not going to let his insides pickle from all that sodium." Kushina remained uncharacteristically silent as Hinata repeated the process with several other fruits and vegetables.

"He honestly wouldn't know what to do those," Kushina whispered. Her voice sounded like she was about to cry. "I've watched him all those years, and...kami..." She trailed off, unable to continue.

"I know," Hinata soothed. They completed the rest of the shopping trip in silence. Hinata rolled her cart up to the cashier.

"That's a lot of food for little girl like you," the guy behind her in line commented as the cashier rang up her purchases. He gave her lopsided smile. Hinata leaned back uncomfortably when the smile twisted into a leer. "Must go straight to those beauties." His eyes lingered on exactly where he thought the food went.

"Go to hell, jackass!" An enormous fist of crimson chakra bloomed out of Hinata's chest and smashed the pervert to the ground.

"The total will be four thousand dollars, including the damage to the facilities and law fees," the cashier said in a bored voice. She'd been living in a ninja village for too long. "Will that be all?"

"Ah, yes it is," Hinata said meekly. "Please put it on the Hyuuga family tab."

"Have a good day."

"Thank you, you too." Hinata ducked her head, grabbed her shopping bags, and walked out as quickly as she could.

Thankfully, the trip to deliver the groceries to Naruto's apartment was uneventful. She already knew his address from the original timeline, and it was easy to confirm it with the help of her Byakugan. She'd left a note saying the groceries were from a secret supporter. Kushina had insisted that they leave a drawing of a fox for the signature.

"It's not like you need to worry that you're breaking the Third's law - that doodle looked more like a mongoose or something," Kushina said as they headed back toward the Hyuuga compound. On the way, they passed by the park. It was early afternoon, so it was filled with children. However, she easily picked out Naruto playing by himself. Her steps slowed to a stop as she watched him. Hinata yearned to go to him.

"You can't," Kushina snarled, voice tight. Several tendrils of chakra seemed to reach towards the lonely figure, before drifting down to curl tightly around the arm of the bench Hinata leaned again. "You absolutely cannot let him know your face. You know how strongly he attaches to his precious people." Hinata nodded, blinking back sympathetic tears.

"Aniki! Aniki! Did you see what I did?" Sasuke ran past her. Hinata looked up to see Itachi approach the playground. He knelt on the ground so he was level with his chattering brother. "I did a flip! No hands!"

"Good job, otouto."

"Will you train me now? I can do a flip now." Itachi smiled, his whole face relaxing into the expression. It transformed him.

"Forgive me, Sasuke. Maybe next time." He poked him in the forehead and little Sasuke pouted. If he were any other child, Hinata would have melted at the sweet scene. But even when seeing Sasuke's innocent past self, she couldn't help but be reminded of Naruto's broken expression each time he failed to bring back his best friend. Itachi looked up, sensing her ill intent. He sent Sasuke running back to the playset and stood to face her.

Sasuke fell to the ground with a yelp.

Hinata turned her head to see a thin strand of reddish chakra weave back into her chest. Itachi was already at his wailing little brother's side, tending to his scraped knee. While his hands were gentle on Sasuke's back, his dark eyes were hard as he looked at Hinata. Though he wasn't even chuunin yet, she could feel the weight of his stare. Hinata forced herself to turn and walk away. Fortunately, he didn't seem inclined to follow.

"Why did you do that?" Hinata hissed through her teeth when they were out of earshot.

"Little bastard deserves it."

"It was juvenile. He hasn't done anything yet."

"Yet. And like you didn't want to kick him a little." Hinata wanted so badly to keep scolding her, but she herself also nursed an unreasonable grudge.

"True," she said with a sigh. "I think both of us need to remember that our past is the future here. Otherwise it'll be too easy to lose sight of our goal. I still need to share the same village with him for a few more years. I really don't want him to be angry at me the whole time even if we're never going to run into each again once I leave."

"Che," Kushina sniffed. "Fine. I won't pick on Sasuke in Itachi's presence again."

Hinata sighed. That was probably the best she could get out of her.

* * *

><p>The next several weeks passed in a blur of training and the occasional D-rank mission. While she did not join a genin team, she was still a ninja of the village and expected to do some work. But D-rank missions were well beneath the attention of the Hokage, so it was strange when the Third requested a meeting with her personally. No one would tell her why he had summoned her, so Hinata showed up with brimming with curiosity and not a small amount of trepidation. She had a few scenarios on why Sarutobi would ask for her, but the minority of them were good.<p>

Kushina had a fiery temper to match her hair, and it didn't help that she'd fused with Kyuubi's malevolent chakra. Most of the time, she managed to behave herself, but she lashed out just enough that many thought Hinata had a severe split personality disorder. That was actually the good part, as it was almost a hallmark of a great ninja to be completely batshit crazy.

The bad part was when said crazy started interfering with the safety of those around her.

"You took it too far," Hinata whispered to her chest. She was waiting outside the Hokage's office, and growing more nervous by the moment.

"The pervert deserved it. He tried to touch me," Kushina growled. Despite her best efforts with duct tape and loose fitting clothes, she couldn't hide the fact that she could rival Tsunade.

"You mean 'us'. These are my breasts. And your fault that they're so big now. It's painful." Hinata got the distinct sense that Kushina was shrugging and rolling her eyes.

"Fine, he tried to touch us. Either way, perverts piss me off. Especially that damn toad hermit who kept trying to corrupt my baby."

"But you said you named Naruto after his character."

"Yeah, the character in the only normal book he wrote. I was trying to reward good behavior." Hinata blinked.

"You mean, you named your son Naruto just to train Jiraiya-san into writing less perverted books?" That seemed kind of a dumb reason to pick a name. Hinata had thought there would be more meaning behind the choice. During many of the lowest points of her life, she'd chanted her crush's name in a mantra to give herself courage. She felt a little stupid after learning that 'Naruto' turned out to be a mechanism for purging perversion.

"It's a worthy cause. Just look what happened to Kakashi. Such a responsible and sweet little child, and Jiraiya turned him into a porn-loving menace to society. Kakashi actually tried to read that junk out loud to Team 7. If I wasn't stuck in there with Kyuubi, I'd have clawed my way out to trash him good. "

"But still...a name embodies a parent's hopes and dreams for the child." While she'd already abandoned all hope for Kushina's sensibility, she had also thought the Yondaime would be a little more reasonable.

"Minato chose the name because of the character, I agreed because it would encourage Jiraiya stop corrupting innocent children," Kushina grumbled bitterly. "Not that it did any good."

The chuunin secretary sitting outside the Third's office pretended not to notice the strange Hyuuga genius muttering to herself as she slouched into her high-collar jacket. She seemed like such a shy nice girl, despite her unusual chest size, but there's been several reports of extreme violence from her. And sometimes, he thought he saw a reddish aura around her that made him suddenly want to cross his legs and shiver. The chuunin sighed. She was cute, but this was why he stuck with civilian girls. Kunoichi were too damn scary.

He slumped relief when he received the signal from the Third that he was ready for her.

"The Hokage will see you now."

Hinata jumped up and thanked the chuunin. She knocked politely before pushing over the heavy wooden doors to the Hokage's office.

"Ah, Hyuuga Hinata, come in and sit down." It made Hinata happy to see the Third alive again. He was like a grandfather to her, and his death had hurt her. He smiled at her kindly. He didn't seem angry, so Hinata relaxed as she sat in the seat in front of his desk. "How are you doing today?"

"Good, Hokage-sama. Thank you for asking." He pulled out a thick file.

"Good to hear. Now, Hinata, you must be wondering why I called you here today." Hinata nodded. "What have in front of me is all the damage reports in regards to your behavior the past few weeks." Hinata bit her lip and looked down at her clenched fists.

"Sorry," she said softly. "Sometimes...I..."

"Get restless?" he finished for her with a knowing look. Hinata blinked. "It's actually a common problem when a young ninja is too talented. They get bored with the current curriculum and seek other outlets."

"Oh...thank you?" Hinata wasn't sure if he was reprimanding her or complementing her. The ambiguity of it distressed her. Sarutobi gave her another kindly smile.

"Fortunately, the Hyuuga clan had already agreed to reimburse the village for the damage, so I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. What we need to fix is the root of the problem. D-rank missions are not enough, and the Hyuuga clan is unwilling to let you be dragged down a team. Therefore, I've approved Hiashi-san's request to enter you in the next Chuunin exam."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama," Hinata said with a slight bow. She started to get up, only to stop when the Third held up a hand.

"Normally, I would leave it to you to gather a team for the exam. However, these reports leave me worried about your ability to work in a team. Therefore, I am going to assign you to two other Chuunin hopefuls who have shown themselves to responsible and polite young men." Hinata didn't miss the way the Third's eyes drifted to her ample chest. The reports probably mentioned the cause of her violence to be perverts.

"Their names are Umino Iruka and Uchiha Itachi." 


	4. Tits IneviTITble

**Freudian Slip**

**Chapter 4: Tits InevTITable**

"Fuckety fucking fucktard of a fudgecake."

"I think that sums up our situation perfectly, Kushina-san," Hinata said quietly. She fiddled with her jacket collar nervously as she entered Training Ground 6, the place Sarutobi had told her she was meeting her new teammates. It was inevitable that she would take the chuunin exam, though her nomination had come up faster than she'd expected. However, she could not process the fact that she was assigned to the same team as Uchiha Itachi.

The kid hated her.

"This all you fault. You shouldn't have picked on Sasuke like that," Hinata scolded with a frown. "You've told me how much Itachi cherishes his little brother." Kushina hmphed.

"He's not stupid. He would have picked up on your killer intent directed towards the Uchiha brat anyways." Hinata couldn't argue that. Either way, she was not Itachi's favorite person. While she knew he wouldn't personally hurt her (as he needed to pass the exam and all), he was a scarily intelligent and observant ninja. The chuunin exam would force them to spend a large amount of time together and if he figured out what was going on, there was nothing stopping him from turning her in.

"But that still doesn't help with our problem right now. How am I going to communicate with you?" Hinata asked nervously. Kushina let loose a string of curses that made Hinata turn the shade of a boiled lobster.

"Alright girly, looks like we're going to have take a gamble. People already think you're nuts. We're just going to have to perpetuate that and make Itachi think it's the worst of our secret."

"But that's revealing the deep secret too soon for it to be a deep dark secret.."

"Whatever. Just follow my lead for now. Iruka's coming." Hinata turned to see a teenage Iruka approaching her.

"Hyuuga-san." He waved and a wide grin stretched across his face. "You are Hyuuga Hinata-san, right?"

"Yes, I am. Please just call me Hinata. Are you Umino Iruka?" Hinata bowed.

"Yup. Pleased to meet you." Hinata studied him as they exchanged the usual pleasantries. The younger Iruka seemed laid-back and good-natured, though he had yet to gain the confidence he had as a teacher. His hair was in the usual high ponytail and he wore a pale loose top over a mesh undershirt and dark pants.

After a few moments, Iruka quickly realized that Hinata was a naturally quiet girl and stopped trying to force the small talk. They both sat in the shade of one of the trees, drifting into a comfortable silence as they waited for the third member of the group.

"He's coming," Kushina said. Moments later, Hinata sensed his approach. Itachi entered the clearing and approached their tree.

"Good afternoon, Umino-san, Hyuuga-san," he said politely, barely pausing before Hinata's name. "My name is Uchiha Itachi. I look forward to working with you." The group went on to exchange another round of basic courtesies, until...

"Arg! Enough with this boring crap already!" Kushina snarled. "Get your asses down. Names, and abilities. Then start training already."

Itachi and Iruka stared at the blushing Hyuuga, not quite sure how to react to the crass words spoken in a suddenly more womanly voice.

"Erm...um...we should introduce ourselves..." she added awkwardly. The other two ninja didn't react.

"I'll go first. My name is Hyuuga Hinata, but I also respond to Kushina-sama, and I am a fucking badass. Got it?" Itachi and Iruka nodded with wide eyes, too shocked to anything else. Hinata looked down, mortified. This was not the way to convince anyone that her split personality existed was harmless. She had no idea what Kushina was doing. "My greatest technique is being awesome. I have no weaknesses. Your turn." Hinata didn't gesture to anyone and her eyes were determinedly fixed to her tapping index fingers.

"Erm...My name is Hyuuga Hinata and I...just respond to Hinata. I've just started learning the Gentle Fist style of the Hyuuga family, so taijutsu is my best area. I know a little genjutsu and very little ninjutsu. I use the Byakugan."

A very confused wind howled through the clearing.

"Are there two of you?" Iruka finally asked, scratching the scar across his nose. Hinata nodded.

"I'm sorry. I promise to do my best not to affect our team. I am in full control of my body, but I cannot stop her rude comments -"

"I'm not rude - you have no self-confidence. We are awesome, believe it!" Kushina corrected, clearly enjoying the role she was playing.

"Yes, but-"

"You can argue with yourself later. I don't have the time for it," the youngest boy of the group interjected. "My name Uchiha Itachi. My Sharingan is activated and my genjutsu is at a high level. My ninjutsu include mostly fire techniques. My taijutsu is serviceable."

"Wow, I'm on a team with such powerful people..." Iruka said with a chuckle. "My name is Umino Iruka. This is my second time taking the exam. While I can't say I have one particular standout area, I'm well-rounded in all three. I can make a mean explosion tag trap, though."

"It sounds like Hokage-sama put a lot of thought into our team," Hinata commented shyly after a few moments of silence. "Our abilities overlap decently enough that...well, we won't at a disadvantage long-range or short-range. And there is no hole in any of the three areas." Iruka smiled.

"I think we're going to do great!" Itachi nodded slightly in agreement with Iruka and stood back up. He still wasn't much taller than Iruka, who remained seated.

"We should show each other some of our abilities. While teamwork will not affect us too much during the third and most important portion of the exam, the first and second are always a survival elimination format that requires all three of us to pass together." Iruka stared at Itachi, impressed.

"Wow, Itachi-kun. You really researched this." The Uchiha inclined his head, though his neutral expression didn't change.

"I also found that this year's exam is to be held in Sand. We should concentrate on the abilities that can best augment our performance. The climate and terrain can become crippling. The sand will not be a stable foundation, and everything is exposed to the sun." Iruka began to look worried as Itachi continued. "The temperatures will range from over 120 degrees Farenheit to below freezing. There have been reports of death due to dehydration after only a ten mile trek. Dehydration and heatstroke can lead to dementia, which-"

"If you don't stop looking like your puppy died, Itachi-chan," Kushina said slyly, "I'm going to hug you again." Itachi visibly tensed.

"Again?" Iruka echoed in the background.

"That would be most unnecessary," the Uchiha said with a glare.

"Don't worry. I won't hug you," Hinata sputtered, waving her hands in a placating gesture. Itachi didn't relax, but he stopped glaring. Iruka wondered why hugging would incite such a hostile reaction from the boy, and then blushed as he looked away from her chest. Hinata continued in a soft voice. "But, Itachi-kun, I think you're starting to scare Iruka-kun. I've been to Sand before and it's not that bad if we take a few precautions. The main things we need are a decent water jutsu and protective clothing." Itachi didn't look like he was willing to believe her, but he stopped listing the possible ways to die in the desert. Hinata looked down as she clasped her hands together. "For today, I think we should just do quick demonstration of our abilities. We can try some team exercises at the obstacles courses some other time."

"Good suggestion," Iruka said with forced joviality. He was becoming highly discomfited by the odd tension between his two new teammates. "I'll go first." He leaped to his feet and walked away from them into the middle of the training area.

"Here I go." Iruka launched in a fluid series of kicks and low strikes aimed to attack an opponents center of gravity. Though some of his moves were still sloppy, he had a strong foundation. Then, he flashed through the Academy basics with a decent speed. He propelled himself around the clearing by switching out with several objects. Suddenly, he threw three kunai right at Hinata and Itachi.

Hinata easily slipped out of the way while Itachi jumped up over the missiles. Both of them realized they'd moved right into the path of two explosive kunai previous hidden by genjutsu. A huge explosion shook the area.

Iruka laughed sheepishly as Hinata and Itachi emerged, unharmed but slightly singed.

"Wanted to make sure you were paying attention," the scarred teenager said with a hint of a prankster's grin. Hinata giggled and clapped.

"You almost took me by surprise. You were not lying when you said your traps involving explosive tags were good," Itachi said. He walked out to where Iruka stood while the other returned to his seat under the tree. "I will go next."

While Iruka moved in seamless curves like water, Itachi was all sharp, efficient lines. He employed a surprisingly acrobatic style, his little body held like a gymnast's in the air. Interspersed throughout his taijutsu were sudden attacks of fire jutsu, trapping his invisible opponent on all sides. He finished and approached them, panting slightly. His Sharingan was active.

"We're in a genjutsu right now, aren't we?" Iruka asked.

"Yes you are." The world suddenly inverted and changed to neon colors. Hinata reached out to touch a giant mushroom that now loomed over her.

"I didn't even notice until now," she mused in awe. "If you hadn't made it absurd, we still wouldn't have known." They blinked, and the world had shifted back to normal. Itachi glanced at Hinata and then returned to the tree to lean against the trunk. Hinata made her way into the clearing.

"Byakugan!" Her vision expanded. Hinata crouched into the first Gentle Fist stance and began to dance through the deceptively simple moves. She pushed out large bursts of blue chakra when she should hit an enemy's tenketsu. Hinata finished with a bow.

"Um...sorry that it looks unimpressive," she said to her teammates.

"Don't apologize for that!" Kushina scolded. "It's supposed to look like you're just trying to tickle someone. Don't even get me started when two Hyuuga fight each other - it's like a bad game of patty cake. That's what makes the Gentle Fist so fearsome. It's deceptive. And those who die from it get the indignity of being essentially poked to death."

Hinata frowned at the unflattering description of her family taijutsu.

"Gentle Fist is a little more complicated than that, but it does more damage when fighting another person."

"Most styles do that," Kushina said wryly. "In fac-"

"And that's it," Hinata said quickly through gritted teeth. "I don't know very much, but please take care of me."

"Oh...okay." Iruka stood up and dusted himself up. "I guess we can meet up here at the same time tomorrow?" Itachi and Hinata nodded. "Alrighty. I still have some stuff I need to do, so I'll see you guys later!" Iruka waved and left, relieved to be away from his strange teammates. Hinata started to do the same, only to realize that Itachi had not moved and was staring at her with unusual intensity.

"Did you need something, Itachi-kun?"

"Yeah, Itachi-chan! Want another big bear hug?" The Uchiha heir frowned and crossed his arms.

"No, thank you, Hyuuga-san. However, I am curious as to why you did not demonstrate your abilities with those red chakra tentacles."

"T-t-tentacles?" Hinata squeaked at the awkward diction choice as she flushed a dark red. She could hear Kushina cackling in the background. Itachi looked unamused.

"...those aren't completely under my control," Hinata admitted bashfully. As if to show her point, a scarlet tendril reached out and tried to tickle Itachi under the chin. The boy snarled and jumped into the tree, a kunai glinting in his hand.

"Get away from me," he growled.

"Awww, but you're so cute. You're even all growly like a wittle kitten," Kushina said in a baby voice.

"Are you trying to get us killed?" Hinata hissed at her. Kushina reached up with a vine to pat Hinata on the head condescendingly.

"I behave myself around your clan, even though all I want to do is pull out the sticks up their asses. Why can't I just be free to be me around your teammates? All I want is a little love." Hinata buried her burning face in her hands, shaking her head fervently.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" she groaned.

Itachi tilted his head. He always made it a point to prepare properly for every situation, so he was very rarely confused or surprised. Yet he was both in dealing with Hyuuga Hinata. While the original Hinata seemed shy and timid, she appeared to possess a form of Tourette's Syndrome that manifested as a hot-tempered, crude and older personality. And said alter ego controlled chakra tentacles.

That liked to molest him.

While Itachi was young, he was not ignorant and he knew there were just too many off-color jokes waiting to happen with that situation. He will have to do what he could to minimize the problem.

Nonetheless, clearly the Hyuuga was unable to control this alter ego nor its malicious tentacles. Perhaps a repressed childhood trauma? It was interesting that this gave her a new power. For now, he will forgive her for bullying Sasuke. He made a note to also never let his little brother within molestation range again.

Warily, he approached the Hyuuga with soft steps.

"It seems you really have no control over your "other self"," Itachi said he slowly walked near her like he was approaching a wild beast.

"I told you, call Kushina-sama, but Kami-sama works too," Kushina said with a cheeky wriggle of a chakra chain. Hinata grabbed the strand before it could try to molest the future S-rank ninja. Again. Itachi seemed to make up his mind about something and bowed slightly.

"I will see you tomorrow, then, Hyuuga-san...Kushina-san" He flickered out of the clearing.

"I think he bought it," Kushina commented proudly. Hinata sank to her knees.

"What are you trying to do, Kushina-san? And why'd you tell them your real name? Isn't it suspicious?"

"Kushina's just a name. Why is it so weird that people have the same name? It's not like my former self had a patent on it." Hinata groaned.

"Even if the name thing isn't an issue, he probably thinks I'm possessed by now. He'd going to report me to the psychology review department and I'm going to be locked up in a white cell for the rest of my life."

"At least you come with your own padding."

"Kushina-san!" Hinata doubted her face could ever recover from blushing so much the past few hours.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop playing. Itachi-chan's not going to turn you in now. He's too smart. My tentacles -"

"Not you too..." Hinata sighed.

"-could definitely be an advantage, without or without the element of surprise. Since you haven't proven yourself a complete threat, Itachi-chan's going to keep your secret."

"How can you be so sure about this? I feel like I'm going to completely mess up the timeline and everything will go to hell." Kushina extended a little tail of chakra and patted Hinata's cheek.

"You worry too much, girly. Remember what I said about the parts everyone plays? It's pretty much impossible to change those roles, just who plays them. We've already dodged the bullet with Itachi now that he thinks you're not really in control of moi, so we can maintain our place. You're filling out the role of genius-who's-going-to-flip-their-shit quite nicely."

.


	5. Globe Trotters

Freudian Slip

Chapter 5: Globe Trotters

* * *

><p>Team Itachi-chan, thus declared by Kushina, spent the next few weeks trying to cobble their skills into something useful. Mainly, it was spent coordinating their attacks so they were more effective together than separately. It was also harder than it sounded, since Hinata and Iruka were so polite they spent more effort on getting out of each others' way than on the mission, and Itachi just ignored them most of the time.<p>

Though he did keep trying to lend Hinata scrolls with titles like 'Managing Your Insanity', 'How Not to Kill Your Colleagues', 'The Truth About Tourette's'.

"I think you should be honored," Iruka advised her. "Those scrolls have the fan insignia on them, so they're from the Uchiha private library." So Hinata accepted the scrolls, and then returned them after an appropriate amount of time, thinking that the serious little Uchiha would run out of them soon and give up. However, Itachi kept giving her more. When he noticed there was little change in Kushina's existence, he started bring entire boxes of them to their practices.

"How many of these do you have?" Hinata cried in exasperation when he handed her another crate. Itachi gave her a stern look.

"There is an entire wing dedicated to psychotherapy," he told her. "The wounds of the mind are far more difficult to heal than wounds of the body, and you should demonstrate patience and persistence in this matter." Kushina thought the whole debacle was cute until he started questioning Hinata on the details of her childhood and taking notes.

"Look honey," Kushina snapped. "We appreciate the gesture, but I'm not going anywhere unless you're personally giving her a mastectomy."

A genius Itachi may be, but he was still a child with limited knowledge of Greek roots. He flipped through the index of a neurosurgery scroll in the crate and frowned when he couldn't find it.

"What is a mastectomy?" he asked. Iruka spat out his tea, which he had been drinking conveniently for such a moment of incredulity.

"Something that will never happen on my watch," Kushina said. Hinata crossed her arms in front of her chest protectively. "Just know that if you keep this up, Hinata will become annoyed enough to let me take control of the body."

Itachi stopped trying to give them scrolls, but he still observed them with a wary eye.

Except for that minor hiccup, gradually, their teamwork did improve enough so they could get by. But by then, they'd practically memorized the layout of the obstacle courses. They tried a few D-rank missions for variety, but chasing cats was laughable when you have someone with full mastery of the Sharingan on your team. Finally, Kushina decided enough was enough and demanded that they find something to really test their teamwork. The team agreed it was a good idea and did exactly that. They asked the Hokage and he ordered his current ANBU bodyguard, Inu, to summon one of his ninken. A sleek beige dog with sunglasses poofed into existence. He wore a navy vest with a henohenomoheji on it and a Leaf forehead protector around his neck.

"Akino, give these kids a good chase for a good hour or so."

"Roger, boss."

It took them only a half hour to catch him.

"I must say I'm impressed," the Hokage said when they returned with their target. "Even though this is an unusually strong team, I did not expect you to complete the exercise so quickly."

"Sorry, boss. They trapped me good. The only to escape would have been to dispel myself." Akino didn't seem too upset, as Hinata was hugging him and scratching his ears. He leaned into her hands with a goofy grin on his doggy face. If Inu seemed disgusted by his nin-dog's embarrassing behavior, he didn't show it when he dismissed the summon.

"I'm glad to see that you are working together well," Sarutobi said with a slight smile. "The Chuunin exam is to begin in a few days, so it would be best if you headed out soon. Since you're here, I can go ahead assign you your interim mentor. Though you don't have an official jounin sensei, you still require someone to take responsibility for you outside of the village. His name is Ebisu, and he will meet you at the gates a week from now when you're scheduled to leave."

The morning of their departure was gray-cast and humid, but Ebisu still wore his sunglasses when he greeted them at the gates.

"Wasn't that Naruto's teacher for a little while?" Hinata whispered to her breasts. Iruka and Itachi had already grown used to her constantly talking to herself and ignored her.

"Not really. The closet pervert spent more time harping on how Naruto was a failure than doing any good."

"You don't like him, do you?" Hinata said with a sinking feeling. Kushina let out an evil laugh.

"Oh Ebisu-sensei," she mewed in a sexy voice as soon as they were in earshot of the uptight ninja. "I'm so happy you're my mentor. Think of all of the times we'll spend together in the hot, hot and sticky desert...I'll have to rely on you to strip me of my clothes if I get overheated." Ebisu frowned at her as he pushed his glasses up.

"I am training to be an upstanding ninja of the Leaf. It is disgraceful that you would think I would fall for such a stupid test."

"You have a nosebleed," Itachi told him matter-of-factly. "Please see to it so you do not leave a trail for possible enemies to follow." Ebisu covered his nose and hurried off to clean up.

"Upstanding ninja indeed," Kushina snickered. "I know what's really standing up."

"Kushina-san," Iruka said with an exasperated sigh. "Please try to control yourself. We need to make a good impression for our village."

"Sorry, Iruka-san. I'll try," Hinata said earnestly. Not that there was much she could do.

"Fine, fine, but only for you, cutie pie," Kushina agreed. Iruka shook his head, but a faint blush darkened his cheeks. He quickly changed the subject before Kushina could do more damage.

"Anyways, it's a good thing that the other genin team isn't here yet, so Ebisu has some time to get back."

"Oi, we're here." Three older teenage boys and their sensei approached them. Hinata recognized them as Izumo, Kotetsu, and Iwahi. Izumo still had his chin strap. Kotetsu had yet to switch out to a bandage across his nose and kept to three on his chin and cheeks. He had an unusually red nose and spikey hair. Iwahi wore a bandanna-styled forehead protector and looked like he was attempting to grow a goatee.

"Aren't you a little old to still be genin?" Kushina mused.

"Not my fault," snapped Iwahi. "My two idiot teamates keep freaking about stupid things like cleanliness and allergies. This is the third time they've cause me to fail." He scanned Hinata's body and sneered. "And you're one to talk. Judging by your sagging breasts, you're old enough to be my grandma."

"What did you say!?" Kushina screeched, taking personal offense to the appearance of her vessel. "At least my chin doesn't look like the crotch of a woman who forgot to wax!"

"Sagging granny!"

"Pube face!"

"I would prefer if we proceed with introductions rather than with useless verbal exchanges," Itachi interjected sharply. "We will be entering the village with which we only have a most tenuous relationship with. As Iruka-san said, we need to present a unified front and make a good impression. This isn't child's play - we are representing Konoha." The other team looked at him.

"Who's the Uchiha shrimp?" Kotetsu asked.

"My name is Uchiha Itachi. These are my teammates Umino Iruka and Hyuuga Hinata. Our mentor, Ebisu, is coming in a few minutes."

"Uchiha Itachi? The Sharingan genius?" Izumo said with awe. "You're already taking the exam so soon?"

"I've already graduated from the Academy for three years. What's soon about it?" Itachi said with a frown.

"Itachi-chan's a little sensitive about his age," Kushina said in a stage-whisper. Itachi kept frowning, but made no show that he'd heard her. Hinata ducked her head, clasping her hands nervously. She didn't even know how she could smooth over Kushina's words thus far. The other team stared at Hinata curiously. Her shy posture seemed completely at odds with her words.

"So what are your names?" Iruka said loudly. At the rate Kushina was going, Itachi was going to snap and kill them all within a few days.

The other team went around and introduced themselves. Just as they finished, Ebisu returned with tissues stuffed up his nose. Finally, without further incidents, the two teams departed for the Chuunin Exam in Suna.

Of course, the temporary peace did not last more than a day. Exhausted and cranky from the heat, Iwahi provoked Kushina into another screaming match. Eventually, Iwahi's teammates became so fed up with him that they wrapped him up in Kotetsu's extra bandages and dragged him the rest of the way to Sand.

"I have terrible allergies, and these are more durable than tissues," Kotetsu said to Hinata as they jumped through the trees. Iwahi bounced along the branches after them, shrieking muffled curses. He rubbed his red nose with a smirk. "Not all of them are clean."

"Thank you," Hinata said, not at all sympathetic to Iwahi's situation. Even she, with her endless well of patience, was rather sore on being accused of being a 'saggy granny'.

"It's strange, it's like you're a completely different person when you're fighting with Iwahi," Izumo mentioned as he pulled up the other side of Hinata. He handed Kotetsu a small bottle of hand sanitizer with a glare.

"Ah...that's because I am," Hinata sighed with a blush. "I have something of a split personality."

"Damn useful if I say so myself," Kushina added. "Otherwise we're too shy to get anything done."

"She responds to Kushina," Hinata said. "Please forgive her in advance for any insult." Iwahi chose that moment to finish chewing through his muzzle and join the conversation.

"You sagging granny, you snotface, when I get my hands on you I'm going to -mmph!" Itachi stuffed another wad of bandages into his mouth with a too-blank expression on his face.

"Please be quiet, Iwahi-san," he said politely. Then he gave them a too-gentle smile that sent shivers down their spines. "It is dangerous to be so loud."

Even Kushina wisely remained silent the rest of the way to Sand.

* * *

><p>Three days later, they arrived at the Wind Country hidden village, slightly sunburnt but still miraculously alive. This gave them a few days rest to recuperate from the trying journey before the official start of the exam.<p>

The first stage was held at an enormous stadium arena. They were instructed to meet in the center of the hard dirt field, where they were at the mercy of the relentless sun. The empty stands of the stadium seemed to funnel all the heat onto them, leaving the chuunin hopefuls like writhing ants trapped under a magnifying glass.

Hinata had switched out a loose jacket made of cooler material and covered her dark hair with a turban similar to what the locals wore, but she could still feel the heat sear through the thick soles of her shoes. Iruka wiped the sweat from his eyes, his ponytail visibly drooping. Even Itachi seemed slightly lackluster. Kushina, however, was not subject to the extreme temperature and was as perky as ever.

"My, is it hot," she chirped. "Pube face, you should shave that bush. It'll help with the heat." Iwahi glared at Hinata, nostrils flaring, but he didn't rise to the bait. Itachi was looking at him with a neutral expression that promised to transform into a terrifying smile.

"Kushina-san," Hinata whispered with a worried sigh. "Please calm down. I know that seeming crazy will be to our advantage later, and I know that you're angry that he insulted my breasts, but you're starting to interfere with our goals. At this point, people will no longer think we're capable of a cold move. When we do leave it won't seem plausible."

"Listen up, worms!" a tall man wearing the Sand jounin uniform barked before Kushina could reply. Half his face was covered with cloth, and there were two red stripes on the cheek of the exposed side. It was Baki, the future jounin sensei of Gaara's genin team. "You're here to take the chuunin exam. "My name is Baki, and I'm the proctor for the first of your exam. Line up so you don't completely remind me of lambs led to slaughter."

The herd of genin organized themselves in neat lines in minutes. Baki just looked even less impressed.

"The rules for the first stage are simple. For the next hour, you are not allowed to leave this arena. Even a toe outside the boundary line is automatic disqualification for your entire team. If you become incapacitated for any reason, that is also automatic disqualification. Also, no jutsu of any kind, period. You only have to answer one simple question on how to do something. Visual demonstrations are encouraged. At the end of the hour, you will exit the stadium one by one to give your answer to me, Baki. You are free to form allies and talk among yourselves, but let me assure, it's useless. Each of you are taking responsibility for your own answer - but if we don't like your method, your entire team fails. That is the kind of responsibility a chuunin is expected to bear. Understand?" No one said anything. Baki continued. "Good. Your question is: If a rooster laid an egg on the slope of a slanted roof, how would you calculate the angle at which the egg rolls? And your time begins now." He jumped up into the shadows of the stands before anyone could ask him to clarify.

All the genin were silent in disbelief that they were given such a stupid question. They remained still, waiting for the proctor to return and finish giving his instructions. Minutes later, it was clear that he had no intention of giving them further information

"What the hell is up with such a dumb test? Everyone knows that roosters don't lay eggs," grumbled Iwahi. The Konoha genin grouped together to figure out why they were given such a strange question. Kotetsu rubbed his nose.

"There's something else they want us to do, or they wouldn't give us such a long time to think about it."

"It's a decoy," Itachi said in a low voice. "The real test is already embedded in his instructions."

"Then what is it?" Iwahi challenged. Itachi gave him a disgusted look.

"I have no idea yet. Why are you asking a 10-year-old boy about it?" Even he was becoming cranky from the heat.

"Is it me or is it getting really hot in here?" Iruka said as he fanned himself. Hinata blinked the sweat from her eyes.

"The temperature is rising too quickly for it to be natural," she said. Itachi's pupils bled into a sharp crimson and he scanned the area.

"Team 14, this is your only warning," a grating voice called over the intercom. Team Itachi-chan jumped – that was their assigned number. "No jutsu allowed, including bloodline limits." Itachi's pupils returned to black as he frowned.

"A wide-scale heating jutsu and what looks like a dehydration jutsu," he told his team. "They want us uncomfortable for a reason." Now that he mentioned it, the Konoha nin realized that their throats felt awfully dry. All the other genin in the area were beginning to notice the same thing. The members of Team Itachi-chan and Team Pube face had wisely each brought a small canteen of water, though many of the other teams had not had such foresight. Already, minor squabbles were breaking out over water bottle theft. One left a genin knocked unconscious.

"Team 29, you fail," Baki called over the intercom. A chuunin proctor jumped down into the arena from the stands. He collected the body and lead the rest of his genin out the door.

"Interesting," Itachi said as he watched them leave.

"That's not good," Hinata said as the implications dawned on her. "Basically, they're telling us we're allowed to eliminate as much of the competition as we want to." Iwahi and Kotetsu stood, cracking their knuckles.

"That's a wonderful thing. I can take on these twerps in my sleep." Iwahi smirked. Iruka shook his head.

"Not in these conditions," he warned. "You'll dehydrate in a few minutes." Izumo reached up and pushed his teammates back to the ground.

"Can you last an hour in hell?" Izumo asked. "That's what they're testing us on."

"Even ninja are human. We are limited by the basic demands of our bodies," Itachi said grimly. "Unfortunately, that is only a part of it."

Half an hour into the test, nobody could figure out what was the hidden meaning behind the test. The agonizing conditions paired with the lack of epiphanies were making the making the genin restless and uneasy. Several more fights broke out, until dehydration or injury had already disqualified over a fourth of the teams. The building nerves were beginning to get to all of them.

"Figured anything out yet, lambs?" Baki suddenly appeared in a swirl of sand with a keg at his feet. Several particularly tense genin fell over in surprise. "Though I think you deserve it if you forgot to bring water, the Sand village would be in a lot of trouble we let you die of dehydration during something stupid like the first stage of a chuunin exam." He kicked the keg, sending it rolling towards them. "Drink up." He left again as several genin pounced on the wooden barrel. A huge brawl broke out over drinking rights.

"That's not water," Itachi said before any of the Leaf genin could join in. All their water canteens were starting to run dangerously low. Iwahi sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose.

"Smells like the shit Izumo uses to clean everything. It's alcohol." Kushina burst out into laughter loud enough to draw the attention of several nearby teams.

"What idiots – they're actually trying to drink that stuff!"

Drunken fights whittled the remaining genin team down by half. Some tried to construct tents with their cloths to create some shade, but it did little to help. Many had stripped off their clothes in an attempt to keep cool, but the painfully bright redness of their skin easily dissuaded the Leaf genin. Though that didn't stop a few of the drunker genin from looking hopefully in Hinata's direction. Mostly, the rest slumped along the walls in a heat-induced stupor.

"Hour is up," Baki said over the crackling speak system. "Team 3 can proceed to the waiting area." A chuunin proctor jumped down into the area and escorted them out the door. Every few minutes, the next team was called.

"Team 14." A chuunin jumped down to Team Itachi-chan. They followed him through the door into a bare room with sandstone walls with a heavy wooden door on the other side.

"Thank kami," Iruka groaned as soon as they were out of the sun.

"The first member is to go through the door." Itachi stepped forward, opened the door, and disappeared into the dark passageway. A few minutes later, the proctor gestured for the next person. Hinata volunteered.

The waiting room was the only source of light for the narrow hallway, and when the door closed behind her, Hinata was left in complete darkness. She walked down the hallways, hand trailing along the way to help her balance. Heat exhaustion left her unsteady and nauseous. All Hinata wanted to do at this point was to curl up on the floor and sleep.

"Team 14, Uchiha Sasuke, pass," a voice announced. Hinata focused on walking forward, gearing herself for what was to come.

"Hang in there, girly," Kushina encouraged. "I sense someone close. It won't be long."

Hinata turned the corner and then suddenly stumbled into a glaringly bright room. The hall had been dark with a genjutsu. She squinted to see Baki sitting at a desk.

"Name?"

"Hyuuga Hinata." She gingerly made her way to the single chair and sat down.

"Team number?"

"14."

He looked up at her with bored eyes.

"And your answer?"

"The answer is…" Hinata trailed off. Her head hurt terribly and she wanted it over with. She blinked, trying to focus her eyes on the stripe on Baki's face.

Stripe. He had two earlier.

"You're not Baki," she accused, his original instructions ringing in her head. "I'm supposed to answer only to him." Baki broke into an uncharacteristic grin. The henge disappeared, revealing pleasant looking chuunin.

"Team 14, Hyuuga Hinata, pass." He waved her through another door behind him filled with the other genin who went before her. Itachi looked at her when she entered the air conditioned waiting room. She headed straight for the couch and melted into the seat.

"I passed."

"I know. They have a water station. You should rehydrate as quickly as possible," he suggested. Hinata thanked him and grabbed a cup of water.

"Team 14 pass."

Iruka entered the room with a tired smile.

"We did it."

The other Leaf team also passed the test. At the end, Baki reappeared in the room.

"A ninja's power is in the information he is tasked to hold. That information can be worth more than your lives. You have all done well to realize that you were about to pass the answer to the wrong person despite my express instructions not to. Congratulations. You are the teams that passed the first stage of the chuunin exam."

* * *

><p>AN: I'm back, baby!<p> 


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